Archive for April, 2008
April 10, 2008 at 5:43 am · Filed under New From MacBarney's and tagged: New From MacBarney's
There really isn’t a point to having a website if you’re not going to try and sell useless crap to other people. Profit isn’t a dirty word, folks….at least I’m being square with you. If you like the website, support mcmastersdisaster.blogspot.com by purchasing this sexy, sleek t-shirt…made (by me) of cotton and chinchilla hair, this shirt is available in sizes M thru XL and will instantly make you a hit with the opposite sex (or same sex, if you’re into that kind of thing-the shirt is in no way discriminatory as long as your money is green).
!!!!Only $22.95 !!!!
For purchasing information, please contact me at
mcmasterdisaster@yahoo.com
April 10, 2008 at 5:39 am · Filed under Ce La Vie, DIARYA, La Memoirs du McMaster and tagged: adam sandler, alcohol, Amen Brother, beer, DIARYA, drunk, funny, humor, La Memoirs du McMaster, life
Alright already, I hear ya loud and clear….and no, I have not lost my marbles….technically, the word versatility has 9 letters (o.k., 11 -for the people that just counted ’em out, you should be ashamed of yourselves and should probably get back to work….you get paid to surf the Internet?). The title is a metaphor…..I think. Let me explain.
As it would seem, when I am drunk, (I’m starting to see a familiar plot line unfolding….i.e.-me drunk, making an ass of myself and trying to make a relevant point from the shenanigans once everything has blown over) my favorite two words in the English language are 1) sh*t and 2) f*ck…..truthfully, they are not my favorite words, but my “go to” choices because when I’m in my finest hours of intoxication, they are the only words that other people can seem to interpret (maybe I’m not talkin‘ weird, you’re just losing your freaking hearing….just thinking aloud). Both are monosyllabic, hence, easy for me to say when I’m two sheets to the wind.
“Chris, are you sure you’re O.K. to drive?” you ask? My response……”Sh****-*t!” (with the middle part raised to falsetto and also paused, as if I’m saying two separate words…She + It)……
“Dude, you still have to close out your tab!” you say? All you’ll get from me is a solid “F****ck…”(this time going into a guttural growl). And after seeing my tab, I may retort with an emphatic “F*ck!”(which, in the language of “drunky“, means “I hope you lecherous scoundrels enjoyed the thirteen cherry-bombs that I bought for the two of you”)
Both words are quick and to the point. And let’s be honest here (for it is the best policy), when I’m drunk, my intellect is boiled down to a combination of what my psychologist friends call “Id and Piss”……if it’s not one of the three F’s- f*ckin‘, fightin‘ or food, I want no part of it. My pleasure centers want satisfaction…..stat! What better words can you think of that can instigate such a broad spectrum of results? Alas, the versatility part.
This is why the word “f*ck” is the coolest word in the universe (even better than the old stand by of “dude” -a close runner up) Here is a thesis backing up my statement.
“Uses of the Word F*ck”
by Prof. Adam Sandler of HappyMadison University
The word f*ck – perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today. Out of all the English words that begin with the letter F, F*ck is the only word referred to as “The F- word”. It’s the one magical word that just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. F*ck, as most words in the English language, is rooted from German – derived from the word “flicken“, which means to strike. In English, f*ck falls into many grammatical categories.
As a transitive verb for instance = John f*cked Shirley
As an intransitive verb = Shirley f*cks.
Its meaning is not always sexual. It can be used as an adjective such as….
John’s doing all the f*cking work.
As part of an adverb = Shirley talks too f*cking much.
As an adverb enhancing an adjective = Shirley is f*cking beautiful.
As the object of an adverb = Shirley is f*cking beautifully.
As a noun = I don’t give a f*ck.
As part of a word =Abso-f*cking–lutly or In-f*cking-credible.
And as almost every work in a sentence=F*ck the f*cking f*ckers.
As you may realise, there are very few words with the versatility of F*ck. As in these examples describing situations such as…..
Fraud: I got f*cked at the used car lot.
Dismay: Aww, f*ck it…
Trouble: I guess I’m really f*cked now.
Aggression: Don’t f*ck with me buddy.
Difficulty: I don’t understand this f*cking question.
Inquiry: Who the f*ck was that?
Dissatisfaction: I don’t like what the f*ck is going on here!
Incompetence: He’s a f*ck off.
Dismissal: Why don’t you go outside and play hide and go f*ck yourself?
I’m sure you can think of many more examples. With all of these multipurpose applications, how can anyone be offended when you use this word? We say use this unique, flexible word more often in your daily speech. It will identify the quality of your character immediately….Say it loud and say it proud……”F*ck You!”
Thanks, Prof. Sandler (I would have cited your C.D., but couldn’t figure out which one this little ditty was on. So buy ’em all folks! But, instead, I would like to use this time to thank you for the classic masterpieces of cinema known as The Waterboy, Little Nicky and Big Daddy…..Mr. Deeds sorta sucked though. Can’t win ’em all I guess)
I both concur and digress…..are you allowed to do these at the same time? I apologize….”I concur and digress……that I am a pretentious a**hole!”
April 10, 2008 at 5:37 am · Filed under Ce La Vie, La Memoirs du McMaster, Wide World of Sports and tagged: baseball, concussions, Da Bears, La Memoirs du McMaster, life, school, sombrero, sports, wile e coyote
Since it is opening day today for most of the Major League teams around the league, it only seems fitting that we share a nostalgic baseball story. Unfortunately, this one is not quite ready for the big leagues, but it will have to do. It was a long time ago, yet I remember it like it happened yesterday…….
Now, as a frame of reference, my natural position when playing baseball was pitcher – it would seem that my ONLY athletic talent involved being left-handed and throwing round objects as hard as I could towards other people….really, it should be viewed less as sport and more like self defense when you’re a fully grown thirteen year old measuring in at 5ft. 6″ and weighing a sickly 120 pounds. Plus, when you have Coke bottles as glasses, hitting is a difficult proposition. It turns out that nearsightedness makes batting a moot point. So, why exactly did the coach put me in the outfield that one fine day? It must have been for my defense……
For the most part, it had been a forgettable game, because the majority of things involving high school freshman are. Sloppy play had abounded, and both teams were tied. Simply put, the game would come down to who screwed up last.
After valiantly going down on three straight strikes for three consecutive times (which I was told is called a Golden Sombrero-not a respected achievement), all signs pointed to me being that infamous poor schlub that had cost his team the game. Now, because of this fact, my only goals for the rest of the game were to
a) man it out until the coach wised up and finally replaced me in the lineup
b) try to get hit by a pitch in my next at bat…because everyone knew that there was no chance of me making contact with the ball any other way- hey, I’d still be on base….surely better than striking out for a fourth time (is there a Platinum Sombrero?)
c) not be the chump who everyone will laugh at upon the end of the game
It was all going according to the script. Close enough, at least. For starters, I had succeeded in my attempt to get “plunked”. In fact, after getting on base, my teammates had managed to bring me home for the go ahead run. Not a bad gig for turning into a pitch. Even though there were no apparent signs that the coach would be pulling me from the game, things were looking up. It was the last inning. Since our team was the visiting club, all we needed was to get three outs. And all I had to do was hide in the outfield and let the game wind down to a boring conclusion.
Going back into the outfield after our team had finished batting, I nervously surveyed the many possible scenarios that could play out from my Left Field position………if I have to make a throw, simply hit the cut-off man….make sure to back up all the throws from the infield that are headed to 3rd base….for a fly ball, go out and just make the catch…..I’m almost embarrassed to mention this, but I had even constructed a plan in which I would play much deeper than I should, thus increasing the chance that a ball would drop in front of me, eliminating the chances of dropping a pop-fly. Heck, I had even justified it to myself in a very rational way-there were no outfield fences on this field, so as long as I didn’t have to chase the ball for a long way, we would win. Make the other team beat us by hitting the ball over my head. Now it was down to “Just keep it in front of you”. Easy enough….
Only, the pitcher for my team didn’t get the memo. Apparently, he felt like complicating matters without consulting with me beforehand. Possessing a strong fastball, he had managed to strike out two batters….and walk three more….
Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, my previous plan has seen it’s demise. Every little detail that I had concocted might as well be thrown out the window. If the ball is hit to me, I MUST PERFORM! Just as this thought was starting to register with me, there was a loud crack of the bat (actually a “ping”, because amateurs use aluminum bats) and sure enough, the ball is headed right towards me. Well, not exactly. To me, but not at me. You see, when balls are hit especially hard, they tend to curve in an odd fashion due to the rotation applied during a violent collision with the bat. Accelerating as hard as I could towards the 3rd base line with my back towards home plate, it appeared that the ball may land in a spot were I would be able to catch it. Now in a dead sprint, the distance between the ball and myself was quickly diminishing.
A lot of times, when catching a line drive in the outfield, the player must decide if it is prudent to dive. This decision needs to be made in the blink of an eye. And I am only a couple of strides away from the ball! At three steps away from the ball, I choose that yes, I am going to commit to the play and “superman” it, going horizontal with the ground when the precise time arises………two steps left….now loading all of my weight into the burst for the ball…….one step left and then the dive…..lifting my right arm up so that I could catch the ball that is rapidly tailing away from me into my glove……..I THINK I’M GOING TO…….!!!PING!!!!!!!
From what I am told, the sound itself was louder than the ping of the ball off of the bat. The crowd that had witnessed the unfolding events likened the sound to a church bell being rung. It turns out that, even though there were no outfield fences, there were still foul poles marking the outfield. I had managed to run full speed into an immovable steel object, using my head and torso as a battering ram. And with Wile E. Coyote results. Upon finally coming to (with my legs literally wrapped around the foul pole), people informed me that the ball had hit the pocket of my glove…..on the opposite, foul territory side of the pole. The ball dribble off harmlessly at about the same time that my arms began to wrap themselves around the steel post. If only I hadn’t tried to hug the pole. Needless to say, my game was over. Walking off of the field, I was the proud owner of a brand new concussion, a bruise from my previous at bat and a welt that started at the crown of my forehead, continuing down through my sternum and ending at my belly button….not to mention the gilded Mexican hat that was bestowed upon me for my three consecutive strike outs…..
Forgive me, but I don’t remember if our team won or not….
April 10, 2008 at 5:35 am · Filed under From Corporate and tagged: I'm Rubber, Legal Mumbo Jumbo, Your Glue
The Writing Staff here at the McMaster’s Disaster blog would like to bring an item to the reader’s attention. We, here, at the company feel that, plagiarism is, in fact, the most sincere form of respect and flattery. If we do, in any shape or form, copy, borrow, hijack, alter, forge, or manipulate your work and/or ideas, please note that it is probably due to one of these possible reasons (excuses)…..
- I didn’t care
- I was too lazy to take the time and actually make a note of you’re contributions, but I’ll try when I have more motivation
- I didn’t realize that I had stolen/borrowed your stuff…..in my opinion, the word stolen is to borrowed as tomato is to tomatoe……DING!DING!DING! With formulations like these we can easily see why I was a loser on both of the famous hit T.V. game shows otherwise known as the ACT and SAT tests. (Truth be told*****here comes a rant***** what you have witnessed was a classic example of self depreciation – I probably did better on those tests than you did. So as you’re starting your new career as an automotive manufacturing engineer, just know this…if it weren’t for underachievers like myself, pumping the petroleum into the pretty, shimmering inventions that you design, they would go nowhere. For those of you who didn’t do so hot on the Reading Section of the tests, what I’m trying to convey (what I mean) is that your car would not move without some schlub (me) pumping gas into it. It’s called a symbiotic relationship. It means (I’ll talk slowly) that, unfortunately, you need a guy like me. And no, that you’re not better than me……and that really, which I will explain at a later time, I’m really not bitter about you making more money than I do…..REALLY*****End of rant(although, on a separate side note, there are very few websites out there that can wrap biology lessons, life tips, music reviews, celebrity interviews, current events and wiener jokes all together in such an eloquent manner)….. and back to why you/they weren’t sited on this blog.
- You weren’t smart enough to put it on the web
- I didn’t know how to (but, I’m still smarter than you)
- And, finally, if that last piece of crap that I just threw against the wall doesn’t stick -my old favorite – I did your Mom…twice….
April 10, 2008 at 5:34 am · Filed under From Corporate and tagged: Adventures in Dating, I'm Rubber, La Memoirs du McMaster, Legal Mumbo Jumbo, Your Glue
Ladies and gentlemen, the stories that you are about to read on this blog are true and inspired by true events. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent…. albeit, slightly….you know who you guys are-if you “think” it might be about you, don’t worry, because it IS….and yeah, I’m still mad about you pissing on my fake flowers that one night you spent with me in my dorm…..there are no excuses…period…..not a classy move, lady…..talented, but not classy.
Also,
To whom it may concern
If the party and/or parties written about in this blog along with the readers(Grandma- I am soooooooooooooo sorry….and, yes, I’ll be at Church on Sunday. Jesus loves You too. Thanks for the sweater….Bye, Bye, Grammy……sure, I’ll write more often….love you, Grammy) are in any way offended, myself, Chris McMaster and the writing department for McMaster’s Disaster, do apologize for these words along with any future stories that may arise. For the individuals involved, please note this was all meant in a non-hurtful and playful way. But, c’mon, even an a**-hole like you has to have a sense of humor…..and you know what, if you are upset, so be it…I probably don’t really like you anyway.
Thank You,
Chris McMaster & the McMasterCo. Writing Dept.
April 10, 2008 at 5:26 am · Filed under And Now the News, Book 'Em Danno and tagged: Amen Brother, beer, Book 'Em Danno, books, drew carey, entertainment, funny, humor, joke, oprah, sex, The Bucket Lists, Weeners
I’m slowly realizing that this blog is becoming an outlet for some of my favorite subjects-filth, drivel and schlock. Why stop now, right? At least that’s what I keep telling myself….so, here is another order of fresh schlock-straight from the oven. I would like to recite an edited passage from one of my favorite books. Have no fear, Oprah, I’m not trying to infringe upon your book club….here is a sampleing from a chapter aptly named…..
101 Big D*ck Jokes,
by Drew Carey
#1) My d*ck is so big, there’s still snow on it in the summertime.
#2) My d*ck is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.
#5) My d*ck has an elevator and a lobby.
#8) My d*ck is so big, twelve clowns climb out of it when I cum.
#9) My d*ck is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It’s now known as the Democratic Republic of My D*ck.
#10) My d*ck is so big, it has casters.
#13) My d*ck is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbor.
#17) My d*ck is so big, I entered it in a big-d*ck contest and it came in first, second, and third.
#19) My d*ck is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.
#22) My d*ck hit .370 in the minors before it hurt its knee.
#31) It’s so big, when it rains the head of my d*ck doesn’t get wet.
#36) My d*ck is so big, I could wear it as a tie if I wasn’t so afraid of getting a hard-on and killing myself.
#40) My d*ck is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it.
#43) My d*ck is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to jack me off.
#45) My d*ck is so big, it has investors.
#46) My d*ck is so big, King Kong is going to crawl up it in the next remake.
#50) My d*ck is so big, it only plays arenas.
#53) If you cut my d*ck in two, you can tell how old I am.
#57) My d*ck is so big, there’s a sneaker named “Air My Dick”
#64) My d*ck is so big, it’s against the law to boink me without protective headgear.
#67) My d*ck is so big, I could hump a tuba.
#69) My d*ck is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it.
#78) NASA once launched a space probe to search for the tip of my d*ck.
#79) My d*ck is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My D*ck.
#82) My d*ck is so big, I can braid it.
#87) My d*ck is so big, that when it’s Eastern Standard Time at the tip, it’s Central Mountain Time at my balls.
#89) My d*ck is so big, I can sit on it.
#90) My d*ck is so big, you’re sitting on it
If you’ve enjoyed this sampleing, I highly recommend this highly intellectual, witty book….okay, maybe stretching it, but it IS REALLY ENTERTAINING-(Drew, if you ever read this, feel free to compensate me for the free endorsement….actually, I’ll settle for you not sueing me for including you in this mess)
April 10, 2008 at 5:12 am · Filed under DIARYA, New From MacBarney's and tagged: crap, DIARYA, funny, humor, ipod, joke, mark martin, nascar, New From MacBarney's, sale, walkmen, WTF
New from MacBarney’s!!!!!
Attention!!!!The future is now!!!!!I’m not yelling at you because I’m angry. No, this is because I’m so absolutely excited about our latest invention!!!! I would like to introduce you to an innovative product that will revolutionize the way that you go about your day. Does it seem like there is just never quite enough time in your day? Well folks, have we got a viable solution for you. Part C.D. and mp3 player, part colostomy bag, this is a nifty gadget that allows you to “relieve yourself” of all of the useless, unnecessary stress caused by rushing around all day. We call it the Sh*tman. Why waste valuable time visiting the “throne” when you, yourself, can live like a king, defecating on the go to the sweet sounds of Van Morrison’s “Brown-Eye Girl”? This personal audio unit will sync with your P.C., letting you store music, videos and pictures into one convenient source….and for all of you Mac users out there, have no fear, you haven’t been forgotten. The iPoo is the one for you. After the first production run, our company will also be producing a compact model (the iPee) available in broad spectrum of colors. You are just a phone call away from being the first person on your block to own this cute little “nugget”. Priced at only six small payments of $42.99, this thing is a steal. Don’t get stuck with your “pants down”. ACT NOW!!!! As an added bonus, if you CALL NOW!!!! and mention the current ad featuring our new pitchman, NASCAR‘s own living legend, Mark Martin along with the 41 digit referral code printed on the bottom of the coupon, we will give you another 2% OFF of your first purchase (excluding the soon to be released on the American market iPee)
You know what? We’re so confident in our product that we’ll toss in the optional limited life-time warranty for FREE!!!!! This is a $199.98 VALUE!!!! And just to reinforce this fact, we honor a full 30-Day No Moneyback/ No Questions Return policy!!!!! This is a hanging curve ball served right up so that you can knock it out of the park. Down the “ol‘ shute” as they used to call it in the great American past time. There are NO RISKS!!!! when ordering your Sh*tman, iPoo or iPee (excluding possible side effects that have commonly occurred to our Eastern-block European focus groups, trained Monkeys and lab rats. These symptoms range from staff infection, intense twitching of the earlobes, anal seepage, gout, small-pox, medium-pox, grande‘-pox and death…….for a more complete list, please reference the website noted at the bottom.)
Wow!!!! “Are you sure, Ronnie? Are you allowed to do that? You’re INSANE!!!! This is INSANE!!!” Folks, my assistant manager has just informed me that if you BUY NOW!!!!, we are gonna throw in ALL of the accessories that are made for the Sh*tman or iPoo‘ for FREE!!!NO STRINGS ATTACHED!!!! This includes the:
- The Automotive Package, which includes a car charger and cableless, thru-radio transmitter.
- The Business Package, including the stylish leather carrying case featuring compartments for your laptop, business cards, pens and whatever else that a person of importance like you wants to bring along for the ride.
- The Time Saver Package, where many more of your daily needs can be lumped into one sitting. Eat on the go with the included cup holder, folding tray, thermos, cooler and hot-plate. Going to an concert, or maybe an athletic event? You can chill out and enjoy a beverage with a limited edition Mark Martin beer cozee that we’ll throw in with the purchase.
- The Boyscout Package….be prepared! This includes everything else that you’ll ever need. Cleaning kit, repair and patch kit, headphones, Swiss army knife, interchangeable decorative cases, instructional D.V.D. and yearlong subscription to our many different iCrap web casts along with much, much more….. altogether this packages ring in at a whopping SAVINGS of $799.99!!!!!!!!
It may sound too good to be true, but it’s not. We just love selling crap!
For further details, feel free to visit our website or stop into our showroom located just off of the “Hershey Highway” at the intersection of Brown St. and Rt. 80 in scenic Pennsylvania. Feel free to also drop the kids off at our newly constructed wading pool while you peruse all of our in-stock inventory. The MacBarney sales staff is highly knowledgeable, courteous and helpful for all of your shopping needs. Heck, we even offer group rates and senior discounts. So swing on by and take a ride on a shiny new Sh*tman or iPoo.
” Join the “movement” “-www.iturds.com
April 10, 2008 at 5:09 am · Filed under Ce La Vie, La Memoirs du McMaster and tagged: brooke shields, crazy, family, Family Ties, fraud, freud, funny, grandpa, humor, joke, La Memoirs du McMaster, life, psychology, school, tom cruise
Before I get lost in a derailed train of thought, I would like to mention that we are now able to offer music-this blog is becoming a multi-media mess. In the future, I will try to regularly change things up and hopefully keep an ongoing theme that can be somehow tied to these postings….a soundtrack, if you will….for this upcoming segment there is an eclectic batch of tunes-see to the lower left. In making this list, I learned a couple of things along the way. One, there are a ton of songs named “Crazy” and two, Seal is the MAN. Not only does he have a great library of tunes (check out the acoustic version of his try at a “Crazy” song), but he gets to see Hiedi Klum’s vuh jay jay on a regular basis despite being one odd looking gentleman. Any-who……Enjoy…..
From what little time that I did spend in college, Psychology 101 was the one and only class that truly seemed to pique my interest. Not because of a want for a future career in the field, but because of a complete and utter disdain for all things revolving around psychoanalysis. My question to the Professor went something (I would like to think) like this…..”If Psychology is what you deem a VERY inexact “science” based on general assumptions, how can you grade me on a subject whose foundation is set upon a highly malleable and convenient bedrock of assumptions and generalizations?”. Because this was a weekly argument between Prof. Peterson and myself, the answer was usually a combination of silence, a look of confusion and an angry scowl. By the way, I would like to congratulate myself on that sentence resting five lines above-somehow managed to maybe sound smart there…. if only I could have used my powers for the greater good. But to quote my father, “I was too busy drinkin‘ Boone’s and chasin‘ poon.”. Not only is my father a poet, but he could very well have passed the Psych. exam with that one statement.
Professor Peterson may not be on-hand to defend herself now, but I would like to continue on with the debate, albeit in vain. In my defense, I step to the stand with a two-headed monster of an argument……to begin, I will present my first piece of evidence…..here goes…..(also, I need to add that after reading this whole entry, know that I’m NOT trying to come off like Tom Cruise when he was talking about Brooke Shields and her struggles with postnatal depression)
First, as exhibit A, we have this guy…..
It turns out that Mr. Freud here, who is the “father of psychoanalysis”, was one crazy cat himself. I will give you just some of the highlights from his life-keep in mind, these are all true. For once, I did my research.
1. His first published work was titled “The Testicles of Eels”
2. Slept with his sister-in-law, conceived a fetus and had it aborted….way to go Siggy!
3. Had bouts of the willy’s himself – maybe it takes a “crazy to know a crazy”, but that doesn’t mean that I’m gonna sign up the guy who lives in a dumpster and is mumbling about Cheerios to himself to be my new “life-coach”.
4. In a wrestling match with the aforementioned willy’s, he admitted that he had sexual feelings for his mother. My Mom’s a nice lady, but c’mon….I would like to quote my father again-“Son, watch that guy closely. He is a true M’er F’er. And you can never trust a M’er F’er.” Again, way to ace it Dad!
I am willing to accept the fact that some of Sigmund Freud’s work is valid…. but formed in the same way that my racist Grandfather goes about making his “scientific conclusions”. The famous”Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” line is Freud’s attempt to pigeon-hole some smokers into being closet homosexuals. It would seem that smokers and gays are two entirely different type casts. Although, there is not much difference noted from my Grandpa’s hypothesis of “All Italians are in the Mafia”. But, both are sometimes… somehow… relevant theories because….
a) I’m willing to bet that some select smokers are gay
b) there are some Italian mobsters
But, I feel that neither theory presents a stable platform on which that people should be educated solely from. ‘Nuff said….
Secondly, for exhibit B, I would like to share some of my own personal experiences. It may not be the most scientific way to draw conclusions on the entire field of Psychology. By using items from one encounter, surely I am making too broad of an assumption….I think there is a saying about assuming-something like “when you assume, you make an ass out of both you and me”…. but somehow I’ve got a gut feeling that this is how things play out for most people who seek psychiatric help. This stems from a time where I was about thirteen years old and at a point where having someone (especially with a degree on the “inter-workings” of the human brain) to talk to could have been very helpful. To shorten this entry, it had been a rough stretch of about a full calender year. In this time period, I had lost a close family member, was dealing with the fact that my parents may get a divorce, had experienced a complete house fire where everything was lost except the clothes (note that I wrote clothes-unfortunately, shoes do not fall into this category. They are considered accessories) that we were wearing, became temporarily “homeless”, had all of my pets die in the fire and got to pick myself up from the ashes and leave my friends that I had grown up with and move to a new school district, breaking my arm along the way and also coming down with a case of the shingles due to all of the stress revolving around my imploding life. Try going to school, attempting to meet and make new friends when you feel like hell and you either have a cast or open, massive chicken-pox from hell on half of your body. Not an easy thing to do. As a parent, what can you do to help? It’s a losing predicament from the start. But at least they tried.
They sent me to a psychologist. A good one too, at least that’s what the degree’s on the wall would have you understand. Charging $95.00 an hour, how can you not be good at what you do? My parents were absolutely right in what they were doing, trying to help a child that obviously was struggling with more than a few things. Well, unfortunately….rather than consoling me and saying that things can’t help but get better because they are so bad-a commonsensical statement that yes, is a generalization too…..the counselor and I had continuous rounds of the “so, how does that make you feel?” game. “Frankly ma’am, crappy- My mom hates my dad, my dogs are dead and I can’t stop itching my neck”. All I needed was some stable force in my universe that I could steady myself with and slow down a spinning world that was quickly passing me by….and a punching bag. Not a game of twenty questions and breathing techniques. And the therapist wanted to medicate me!
This proves that my fourth grade educated Grandfather is no less a qualified scientist in comparison to Freud or Carl Jung…..it’s amazing what a firm pat on the back, an “It’s O.K.” and beating the piss out of an inanimate object bought by “Gramps” can do for a kid in distress. Sure enough, everything worked out in time.
Even with this argument presented to her, Professor Peterson always remained very rigid on her thoughts despite the “science” of psychology being based on a theory of flexibility and many variables. Maybe for some the field is helpful. Undoubtedly, medications can be used correctly for the betterment of a patient. But I’ll stick with actually talking with another human being and the good ‘ol punching bag Grandpa bought me approx. thirteen years ago for now.
I love you, Grandpa…..I’m no Psychologist, but sometimes love between two guys is just love.
April 10, 2008 at 5:04 am · Filed under And Now the News and tagged: Axl Rose, Buddha, China, Chinese Democracy, dalai lama, dr pepper, funny, Guns n Roses, humor, joke, news, rock n roll, Rockin' in the Free World, rolling stone, Squirrels Playin' with their Nuts, Tibet
Unfortunately, this entry has nothing (or, at the very least, not much) to do about neither the Olympics nor the civil unrest that is currently unfolding in and around Tibet. No, the news that I’m about to give you is much, much, more important and relevant than that “little disagreement” that is going on over in China right now. Flipping through rollingstone.com the other day, an interesting piece of useless information was offered up. The makers of Dr. Pepper have made an unusual offer to Axl Rose, front man for the once relevant band Guns ‘n Roses, in an effort to get his creative juices flowing again. Word on the street is that if the much delayed album, Chinese Democracy (an album that has been rumored to be released since the early to mid ’90’s), were to be completed and released within this current upcoming year, the fine folks at Dr. Pepper will give a free can of their product to every citizen within the borders of the U.S. of A…….
Axl has adamantly maintained that the album will be released soon, with around 26 of the total 32 tracks being complete. In an official statement from the soda company, a spokesperson stated that “It took a little patience for us to perfect Dr Pepper’s special mix of 23 ingredients, so we completely understand and empathize with Axl’s [quest] for the perfect album” ……….so maybe there is a chance for some Chinese Democracy soon-just not in the form that would be of any use to the real world.
P.S.- I have heard rumors that the Dalai Lama may be stepping down if the tension between the Tibetans and the Chinese cannot be resolved. In what little research I have done, this would be an unprecedented event if it were to actually occur. Only upon death do the Tibetan Buddhist’s consider replacement. It seems that there are no active processes to replace His Holiness as it currently stands. Because of this, I would like to officially announce my candidacy for the position of Supreme Deity of All Things Buddhist………
April 10, 2008 at 4:56 am · Filed under Ce La Vie, La Memoirs du McMaster, Say What? and tagged: dad, drugs, family, Family Ties, funny, humor, joke, La Memoirs du McMaster, life, The Bucket Lists, violence, Weeners
Just a few gems of wisdom that my father has passed down to me over the years….
- No matter how hard you shake it, it’s never dry (in reference to his genitals)
- You can’t polish a turd
- Sometimes life presents you with a choice. A choice between cock and cake. And, unfortunately, were fresh out of cake.
- No matter how hard you scrub it, it’ll never be clean (in reference to his anus)
- Don’t be afraid of failure. It defines a man. Even the best have failed. I’ve failed before-look at you’re brother
- I think you’re mother is a lesbian (in reference to my Mother)
- Never eat while pooping. Unless it’s an emergency.
- I know-boys will be boys, but if you kids ever do LSD, I’ll really be pissed
- Never eat the yellow snow
- If you ever have to fight another kid in school, start off with a solid punch to the throat. And, if he’s bigger than you, make sure to kick ’em when he’s down. If he isn’t as big as you, do it anyway-he’ll probably end up growing taller than you
A View From Left Field 