There is a claim that adult males subconsciously think of sex every 3 minutes of the day and also have a violent thought every 5 minutes. O.K, enough of the B.S…..I am completely making up those numbers, but they sound pretty good-honestly, couldn’t recall the exact stats, but for the sake of conversation, they will have to do. You know, the old horseshoes and hand grenade theory. My made up numbers are just close enough to be effective.  

As an adult male, I must say that the first part (about sex) is mostly true. My life essentially revolves around the want to reproduce. Or at least the whole practicing to reproduce part( just a quick thought in regards to evolution-sex with protection is sort of like a scrimmage. Try to wrap your head around that one). The kids can wait for now, but I would like to get as much “experience” under my belt so if the time ever arrived where I felt capable of taking care of a small, infant life, I would be prepared to follow the needed steps leading to conception. How is that for a pick-up line? “Hey, baby. Can you help me with my practice of making a girl pregnant?”(Shawn Kemp and Darrin McFadden may have beat me to the punch on that line) So, in the spirit of learning, every time a girl walks by in a tight, low cut top, I feel that it is my obligation (for science, dagummit) to stop and stare….and share a quick anecdote with my buddies as to what exactly I would do if given the chance to see what was underneath the skimpy blouse. Breasts are like a pack of baseball cards to a guy….we don’t know exactly what we’ll find in there, but odds are the results will be good. Whoa-I sounded like a perverted Forest Gump there….”Hi! My name is Forest. Forest Gump. Boobs are like baseball cards, you just never know what you’re gonna get.” Today’s entry is going down hill fast. And it’s only getting steeper.

It is the second part that is worrisome. If the five minute theory is accurate, there are some very pissed off people out there. Don’t get me wrong, ’cause all too often I myself threaten death upon a coworker for their infinite idiocy. But every five minutes? I don’t agree with that number. Unless…..

Unless….you forecast in a couple of conversations between my older brother and I……or an exchance that my best friend and I exchanged recently. Now that I think about it, maybe that number isn’t too far off, because my brother invented a game called “Name Your Murder Weapon”….this probably sounds horrendous, but is a very enjoyable, competitive game that can be played anywhere. The rules are simple=imagine that you are being attacked in the environment that you are currently in. What would you grab to defend yourself? Would it effectively ward off your assailant? I know that I don’t think of violence often, but when a match of “Name Your Murder Weapon” starts up, I can’t help but be sidetracked for at least a good half of an hour….automatically, the game branches off into the questions revolving around the details. How many times would you have to hit the attacker with a vacuum cleaner? Would the vacuum hold up for multiple strikes? It’s all in the variables. This is why the game takes some time to play. Note=this is a great game to pass the time, especially at the airport. It is probably not in your best interest though, for the airport security staff to hear your conversations revolving around bashing random people in the head with everyday objects.

And the buck doesn’t stop here. Just a few weeks ago, I was playing pool with a friend and getting my arse kicked. After watching my balls (the billiard balls, gutter-brains!) miss pocket after pocket, frustration was rearing it’s ugly head. As a “thank you” to my buddy for the whooping, I acted as if I was going to bash him over the head with my pool cue. And then the thought arised-if I was to hit him, which end of the stick would do the better job? So I asked him. It turns out that it is not only my brother and I that are highly opinionated when it comes to ways in which to maim another human being.

Whereas I believe that an impact from the thick end of a pool stick would be the best route to injury, my friend posed an idea- by holding the thick end of the cue (offering a better grip), it would be able to be swung at a greater velocity, thus creating a “caning” effect.  Plus, once the skinnier end hit this imaginary individual, there would be a much higher chance for the wooden stick to fracture, raising the chances for an open cut to the victim- and everyone knows that an open wound is always more painful than a bruise or a welt! I couldn’t believe it. My best friend, with little motivation, had reeled of a twelve minute dissertation revolving around injuring a person with a pool stick! Maybe that 5 minute theory is accurate. Don’t believe it? Just ask a male friend of yours.