Let me be the first to say Happy Birthday to myself! Yep, this time it’s legit…’cause I’ve cried wolf on this one many times before. It used to be a running gag for me to go into a bar and claim that it was my B-Day…each, and every night. This was an amazingly efficient and effective process in striking up conversations with the ladies as well as scoring free drinks….until they asked to see my driver’s license. Or the bar tenders at the neighborhood pub caught on to my deviant ways. Apparently, you can’t lose your credibility if you never possessed it in the first place. Sort of like a reformed virgin…once it’s gone…it’s gone.
As for birthdays, the big 2-6 is mediocre at best. At least at eighteen, purchasing cigarettes and porn becomes legal, if not socially accepted. At twenty one, access into the wonderful world of drinking is permitted. By the time that twenty six rolls around, the kid that you once were has evolved into the creepy guy next door that is willing to buy beer for any adolescent (code for attractive 21 and under) female that gives you the time of day (maybe I’m speaking for just myself on this one). So, things are looking up!
But, you know what? The wierd part is that I don’t feel a day older than, say, thirteen. And, if you were able to speak to any of my ex-girlfriends, they would probably agree that mentally, I AM thirteen. Physically, I don’t look a day older than maybe twenty (if I shave. Otherwise, maybe I do look 26). Wow! I may have just made headway as to why I’m single….all I need to do is shave more often, be a little more mature and tell the truth every now and then and…..nope…..this is NOT going to happen! Why, you ask?
Because, I just had an older (very old) member of my family ask me about what I planned to be when I grew up (which is odd because I’m 26 and in a field that I truly enjoy). But, odder….not a word, my editor tells me…is the manner in which I answered. I presented a simple list of careers that I truly have an interest in. It goes somethin’ like this….I’ve still got some growin’ up to do. Check it out….
1) Rockstar…..easily explained-sex, drugs and rock n’ roll
2) Professional Baseball Player-not exactly a grown-up answer either.
3) Race Car Driver – I have tried to enter this field before, but my ’88 Camry didn’t make the grade
4) Porn Stud – this entry could easily move up or down three slots depending on the circumstances…I have hated every job that I have ever had and fear that it would make me dislike humping. Maybe I’m over thinking things here. Plus, with a nickname like “The Seven Minute Man”, my film career would probably be short lived. I must say though, since I’m 5′ 6″ and weigh a whopping 135 lbs., my strength to weener ratio is amazingly high. Just sayin’…
5) Carnie -minus the jokes about the profession, I think it would be fun and an easy way to see the country on the cheap. Free tickets to the Tilt-o-whirl are an added benefit.
6) Gypsy – much like Carney minus the death traps called “Amusement Rides”…see above
7) Animal Expert – I love animals. Zoologist is too much work, so I would like to become a real life Brian Fellows. “That is one big dog….your dog is freakin’ me out! Tell your dog to stop staring at me!”
8) Alcohol Taste Tester – I am currently practicing this craft as we speak….hey, it’s my birthday, dammit!
9) Teacher – those who can’t do, teach…a match made in heaven
10) Pirate – Johnny Depp gets the ladies. He may be on to something. Sailing the seven seas sounds cool as hell…and who messes with a Pirate? I will cut you, bitch! (My pirate is Chicano)
So yeah….my life is probably 1/2 over (at least for the best years). Here is to another year! See you f*ckers next year!
P.S.- I tried to incorporate the title of this entry into the main part of the post, but failed….I had intended to tie in the fact that, today, on the news, they mentioned that Marilyn Monroe was the star of an adult film many, many years ago. Just thinking aloud, but it’s a shame that the Internet wasn’t around back then. For one, I could have seen her naked. Two, who’s wang was involved…Kennedy’s or Joltin’ Joe’s…or none of the above? And, third, it would have given skanks like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian a blueprint to follow….like lemmings off of a cliff….
