Have you had to nueter one of your pets lately? Has Fido been down in the dumps since losing his “manhood” ? Well, he may be in luck, because I have stumbled upon a real ( I think) product that can, as they put it, “allow your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering”. Called Neuticles ( check out the website www.neuticles.com ), this fabulous new invention is a revolutionary testicular implant procedure for pets. Offered in a wide array of sizes, the company has even moved on to create fake testicles for cats, horses and bulls. No bullsh*t. I’m not horsing around…sorry about the lame puns, but it just felt so right.

Now comes the part of this here post where the reader probably starts to wonder why I am 1) informed about nueticles? and 2) writing about it? To begin with the first question, if you ever have a chance to pick up Dave Matthew’s Lost Acoustic Session with Tim Reynolds, there is a Neuticles reference somewhere in there between the different songs where he mentions that he wants to put big ol’ bison balls on his chihuahua. Maybe the first recorded shout out for Neuticles….hey, any publicity is good publicity. At least that’s what they say….whoever THEY are. As for the second part, I am a pet owner myself. Recently, a friend asked me the question -”Does your dog have mudflaps?” To which I responded - ”What are mudflaps?”. It turns out that “mudflaps” is a code word for dog scrotum. News to me….and pretty funny. But, yeah, my dog has his ”boys” still intact and I had been thinking about when would be the correct time to get him fixed (shouldn’t it be broken?). All of a sudden I recalled the whole Nueticles thing. And, thank you again for the invention of the Internet search engine, because I have never laughed as hard as I did when finding www.neuticles.com.

Not only are they in the risky business of making false testes…they make a special creme (featuring, if you look deep enough, the now patented ScarRetard….I personally have nothing against the mentally disabled, but will never buy anything advertising the word “retard”….sorry guys, the sales pitch is lost on me) that you can rub into your pets junk so that the scars are not as prominent post-surgery (this sounds like a legal loop hole for pet lovin’….” I swear officer, my dog has a medical condition” sounds much better than “I thought I’d give Lucky there a deep tissue testicle massage). And the fun doesn’t end there. The website offers customer reviews and testimonials! How’d you like to be THAT guy -almost an equivalent to being a spokesperson for a genital wart presciption. There is even a quick anecdote about how Nueticles came to fruition (and a plug for the inventor’s new book). Plus, depending on the pet owner’s preference, the good people at www.neuticles.com are offering different models with varying degrees of squishiness, so that your dog’s nuts will feel as good as new…or maybe, even better! Unbelievable. First it was boots for your dog….then sweaters and coats…..now, Nard replicas (and they’re not cheap-ranging from $94 to $409 plus veterinarian costs)…..this proves that pet owners will buy anything.