Let me start off by saying that the title above is one of my favorite “redneck” witticisms. It’s right up there with “If a cow pisses on a flat rock, it’s feet are gonna get wet”. Not exactly the caliber of rock n’ roll classics like “a rolling stone gathers no moss” or “rust never sleeps”, but good none the less. We all should throw these into our daily repertoire more often. There just seems to be some down-home truth to both of those statements, and I’m sure that many people could take something from their meanings. Anyway, what I’m getting to is this….some things are better off left to yourself. I would like to share a news story that was based on something that happened here in Ohio, but gained national recognition-for all of the wrong reasons. It seems that….are you fricken’ joking?…..
An Ohio man has admitted to four felony counts of public indecency after a neighbour caught him on camera having sex with a picnic table, local news outfit WTOL11 reports.
Bellevue resident Art Price Jr, 40, molested the round metal table on four occasions “between the hours of 10:30 am and noon”. A video of his last furniture liaison, on 14 March, provided police with hard evidence of Price’s perversion.
Police Captain Matt Johnson said: “The first video we had, he was completely nude. He would use the hole from the umbrella and have sex with the table.”
!!!!W.T.F.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me just say that I have often joked amongst friends that I would hump a wood pile if not for the fear of splinters - as a complete joke! And, ONLY a joke! My weener has been alot of different places, but it has never been caught parusing amongst the lawn furnature section in Home Depot. On the list of places that I would like to stick my dangle, plastic table is pretty low on down the line - somewhere between an air conditioning vent and a garbage disposal. Enough about me. If I had the chance, I would love to ask this gentleman a few simple questions, such as….
O.k., forgetting the fact that you humped a picnic table temporarily, why didn’t you do the deed indoors? Did your ass need a breath of fresh air? Tanning your balls? Have you eaten off of the table since making it your girlfriend? Since picnic tables are androgonous, is it a girl? Does it matter? Did manual masterbation get that tiresome? Is a table an accomodating lover? Are some tables better than others? Was the dining room furnature cheating on you, where you felt the need to have an affair? When did the cops stop laughing? …..this could go on forever……
God have mercy on this man’s soul….that’s quite the story to be explaining when standing before the “pearly gates” in the sky! Now, people tell me that this Jesus guy was a forgiving fellow, but I’m sure even he had his limits. Is there an excuse that will work? Probably not, but the writers for The Late Show with David Letterman still tried….here is one of Dave’s famous Top Ten Lists, titled
Top Ten: Excuses of the Man Caught Having Sex With A Picnic Table
10 ) Got all worked up after looking through the IKEA catalogue
9 ) C’mon, did you see that picnic table?
8 ) I was refinishing it and things just got out of hand
7 ) Just broke up with the pool table, and didn’t want to be alone
6 ) If you’re gonna arrest every man who’s had sex with a picnic table, you’re gonna have to build a hell of alot more prisons
5 ) Was curious if I could have sex with anything more flat and lifeless than my wife - hiyoooo…
4 ) Hey, a man has needs
3 ) My doctor says I have Restless Nuts Syndrome?!?
2 ) It’s not like I spent $4,000 for a hooker!
1 ) Well, it was our anniversary
There is always someone wierder than you out there…..except for you, Mr. Dahmer….you’re messed up….
