Alright already, I hear ya loud and clear….and no, I have not lost my marbles….technically, the word versatility has 9 letters (o.k., 11 -for the people that just counted ‘em out, you should be ashamed of yourselves and should probably get back to work….you get paid to surf the Internet?). The title is a metaphor…..I think. Let me explain.

As it would seem, when I am drunk, (I’m starting to see a familiar plot line unfolding….i.e.-me drunk, making an ass of myself and trying to make a relevant point from the shenanigans once everything has blown over) my favorite two words in the English language are 1) sh*t and 2) f*ck…..truthfully, they are not my favorite words, but my “go to” choices because when I’m in my finest hours of intoxication, they are the only words that other people can seem to interpret (maybe I’m not talkin‘ weird, you’re just losing your freaking hearing….just thinking aloud). Both are monosyllabic, hence, easy for me to say when I’m two sheets to the wind.

“Chris, are you sure you’re O.K. to drive?” you ask? My response……”Sh****-*t!” (with the middle part raised to falsetto and also paused, as if I’m saying two separate words…She + It)……

“Dude, you still have to close out your tab!” you say? All you’ll get from me is a solid “F****ck…”(this time going into a guttural growl). And after seeing my tab, I may retort with an emphatic “F*ck!”(which, in the language of “drunky“, means “I hope you lecherous scoundrels enjoyed the thirteen cherry-bombs that I bought for the two of you”)

Both words are quick and to the point. And let’s be honest here (for it is the best policy), when I’m drunk, my intellect is boiled down to a combination of what my psychologist friends call “Id and Piss”……if it’s not one of the three F’s- f*ckin‘, fightin‘ or food, I want no part of it. My pleasure centers want satisfaction…..stat! What better words can you think of that can instigate such a broad spectrum of results? Alas, the versatility part.

This is why the word “f*ck” is the coolest word in the universe (even better than the old stand by of “dude” -a close runner up) Here is a thesis backing up my statement.

The word f*ck – perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today. Out of all the English words that begin with the letter F, F*ck is the only word referred to as “The F- word”. It’s the one magical word that just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. F*ck, as most words in the English language, is rooted from German – derived from the word “flicken“, which means to strike. In English, f*ck falls into many grammatical categories.

As a transitive verb for instance = John f*cked Shirley
As an intransitive verb = Shirley f*cks.
Its meaning is not always sexual. It can be used as an adjective such as….
John’s doing all the f*cking work.
As part of an adverb = Shirley talks too f*cking much.
As an adverb enhancing an adjective = Shirley is f*cking beautiful.
As the object of an adverb = Shirley is f*cking beautifully.
As a noun = I don’t give a f*ck.
As part of a word =Abso-f*cking-lutly or In-f*cking-credible.
And as almost every work in a sentence=F*ck the f*cking f*ckers.
As you may realise, there are very few words with the versatility of F*ck. As in these examples describing situations such as…..
Fraud: I got f*cked at the used car lot.
Dismay: Aww, f*ck it…
Trouble: I guess I’m really f*cked now.
Aggression: Don’t f*ck with me buddy.
Difficulty: I don’t understand this f*cking question.
Inquiry: Who the f*ck was that?
Dissatisfaction: I don’t like what the f*ck is going on here!
Incompetence: He’s a f*ck off.
Dismissal: Why don’t you go outside and play hide and go f*ck yourself?

I’m sure you can think of many more examples. With all of these multipurpose applications, how can anyone be offended when you use this word? We say use this unique, flexible word more often in your daily speech. It will identify the quality of your character immediately….Say it loud and say it proud……”F*ck You!”

Thanks, Prof. Sandler (I would have cited your C.D., but couldn’t figure out which one this little ditty was on. So buy ‘em all folks! But, instead, I would like to use this time to thank you for the classic masterpieces of cinema known as The Waterboy, Little Nicky and Big Daddy…..Mr. Deeds sorta sucked though. Can’t win ‘em all I guess)

I both concur and digress…..are you allowed to do these at the same time? I apologize….”I concur and digress……that I am a pretentious a**hole!”